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 Self-Improvement:  Don’t be afraid to stay pure!  Improve yourself by embracing who you are and ignoring the pressure of others.

 

Virginity.

It’s the epitome of nerd-dom to some and the key to respecting yourself to others.  The v-word is held at such a high place for so many people, but in completely opposite ways.  We seem to have developed this obsession with another’s genitals that can be pure and not always in the way of wanting to get a grab at ‘em.   I’ll admit it, I fall into the group of people who want a passport of my friends goonies (my super mature word for private parts) every few months.  I want to know how often, with who, with what, with how many others, and what’s planned next.  I want the deets of the doing and I know I’m not the only one.  You want them too.  You want to know who’s banging who and you want to judge someone’s pants off about it!  Never more so then when it’s someone’s V-card on the line!

Hollywood spills comedy after comedy about losing your virginity and ticket sales soar cause people want to find out if a pretend person is going to lose their virginity to another pretend person at the end of their “hilarious” adventure.  We don’t even get to see them have the sex.  There’s no penetration (least in the virgin comedies I see!) so we’re just watching them pretend to have sex.  Pretend virginity with pretend people having pretend sex and we looooove it!  We want them to pretend cum, dammit!

And no part of Christianity is more important than where you flick your dinglehopper.  I was involved with church from the age of 0-22 and shame would flow like the love of Jesus when someone lost their virginity.  You didn’t have vicious rumors floating about someone stealing, cursing, drinking beer, doing drugs, constantly lying, or hurting others.  That didn’t matter because it was possible (though usually incorrect) that Maggie let Bobby put his penis in her before they were married.  GASP!  She lost her virginity?!?!

There was a girl at my church who was shamed out of ever group of friends she had there, because she slept with someone in the woods at our church.  And there was also a music minister who was a non-stop asshole, but not one person would say a thing about it.  It was just accepted that he treated everyone like shit.  Least he wasn’t banging Bobby in the woods!

  •    In church your virginity is your social acceptance.
  •    In school your virginity is a joke.
  •    In college your virginity is treated like a time bomb.
  •    As an adult your virginity is something you never mention.

So, what do we do about the obsession with virginity?  Can we stop it from being such a big deal to everyone else?  Is there anyway we can make people leave our purity alone?

  Nope!  

So, what can we do?  Well, we can have sex.  All of us.  Together.  In this barn I found.  Nah, I don’t want to have sex with you.  That’s disgusting.  You can have sex with someone else, that you love, when you’re married/not married.  Or you can have sex with that guy who’s sitting on that chair.  Do you know him?  Doubt it.  But he can have sex most likely.  And so can you!  That’s really up to you and I don’t care.  That’s the great thing about your virginity is you get to decide what to do with it.  Will you use it appropriately?  Probably not.  Does anyone?  Not really.  Sure, getting married sorta guarantees that the man you are in love with (least you loved them at some point) will be your first, but hell, that means nothing for the marriage.  You could do it just to get it over with, ya know.  If you don’t think your virginity is important, then it doesn’t really matter.  I’d be careful about bags of diseases though–those happen.  You could have sex with that person you’re dating.  Seems pretty legit.  Why not?

There are plenty of reasons why you personally could get rid of your virginity and it’s not really someone’s place to be a dick-snoz about it.  Will people be a dick-snoz?  Oh, absolutely.  Will some people think it’s super cool and want to know about it over a game of beer pong?  Oh, most definitely.  Lots of things will be said by lots of people, but there’s only one voice that matters when it comes to your virginity.

Mine

And as far as I’m concerned there are only 5 reasons why you should hold onto your virginity.

#5  Too Much Pressure

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Let’s face it, it looks scary as hell.  For a woman you are allowing a no-holds-barred, animalistic, sweaty, dangerous man slam you for HOWEVER LONG HE NEEDS before he rolls off of you and plans his escape.  Could he have diseases?  Oh, absolutely and he probably does!  You can ask him to wear a condom, but it’s so easy for him to cut a hole in it or slip it off.  It’s your first time, you won’t know the difference.  You’re just going to have to deal with whatever he plans to do for the next 2 minutes through 24 hours.  I know a lot of girls wonder if it’ll hurt and I can’t honestly answer that, but I can guess.  And I’m guessing yes–very bad!

Are you a guy?  I know it seems less scary for a guy, but it’s still horrifying.  How long will it take?  If it’s too long she’s going to feel unattractive and (probably) kill herself.  If it’s too short she’s going to tell everyone and no one is going to have sex with you again.  What if your penis is too small?  What if it’s too big?  What if she twists during it and snaps it right off?  It’s happened before, so what’s stopping it from happening again?

If fear is your reason for keeping your virginity then I am behind you 100%!  Never do anything (or anyone) that you’re scared of!

 

#4 You’ll Go to Hell

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It’s true.  The Bible clearly states that losing your virginity will send you to hell, regardless of if you’re married or not.  Take a look at this verse:

1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor.

Is there more to this verse?  Maybe.  I don’t know, I didn’t look.  All I know is God is telling us to abstain from sexual immorality and there is no definite way to know what God considers sexual immorality, so therefore we should assume it means anything sexual at all.

God has put vague laws like this one into our lives so we’ll know that hell awaits us should we falter from the path.  Hell is a terrible place and you’ll absolutely go there.

 

#3 You’re Mad at the Opposite Sex

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One great reason to keep your virginity is because a girl/boy has made you mad and you’re using it to punish him/her.  If you look deep into Greek mythology (which I haven’t) you’ll see that nothing is more sacred and sexy than a virgin.  A virgin is everyone’s dream partner.  Guys love the thought of a pure, innocent dandelion and women go nuts for an inexperienced, awkward, lover!  This is just how we are wired and we can’t be blamed for that.  We all want a virgin.  We all want you.

But before you release the sex hounds on our bodies, maybe it’s better to punish us.  Did Toby not notice your new haircut at the lunch table?  Well, then keep your virginity from any man you ever meet!  Think about it, guys suck.  Think about it, guys, women suck.  And being gay is not an option (refer to #4) so it’s best that you just remain a virgin for the rest of your life in order to teach the opposite sex a lesson in respect.  That’ll show ‘em!

 

#2 Your Parents Said So

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Regardless of what age you are one thing is for certain, you should always listen to your parents regardless of how smart they are.  Parents know best even when they don’t.  It doesn’t get more crystal clear than that.  I come from a family where my parents told me not to have sex until I was married, and guess what I did?  I had sex before I was married and it was weird!!  If I would’ve just listened to my parents I could’ve avoided having to go through a slightly weird experience!  If your parents are encouraging you to remain a virgin for the rest of your life then you should be doing it.  If they say not to have sex, don’t have sex.

Why would a person think it’s OK to think for themselves?  Did you know that 100% of planned murders happened by someone who was thinking for themselves?  When people rely on their heart they fuck up.  Your parents are here to guide your virginity in the right direction, away from an erection.  They’re only thinking about what’s best for what they think you should want and it’s highly disrespectful for you to make a decision without their complete blessing.

Oh, and don’t use that “my parents are dead” excuse that orphans always make.  Find a new parent!

 

#1 You’re Gay

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Woah!  Okay!  Hold on!  Before you come make out in my personal chick-fil-a let me explain myself!  I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay and I don’t have a problem with gay rights or men kissing or condom puppets or snowballing cowboys.  None of that bothers me whatsoever, but being gay sort of falls into the last 4 things I mentioned!

  • There is just as much pressure when you’re gay as when you’re straight!
  • As every Christian will tell you–you’re apparently going to hell no matter what.
  • You’re mad at the opposite sex.  So mad that you’re refusing to be attracted to them!
  • Your parents don’t like it.  Unless you have gay parents, but I’ve yet to meet actual gay parents, so I’m gonna say that doesn’t exist.

The thing about you being gay is that you kind of need to pretend like you’re not for the sake of your virginity.  You need to just not ever mention anything about sex, hold onto your virginity, and pretend like you’re into non-gay things–like musical theater and bath houses.

 

 

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