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It is an indisputable fact that the increasing demand for political correctness will be the saving grace (how sweet the sound) of the modern world. Tiptoeing around our fellow man, talking to one another like each person is a glass doll, fragile and dangerous if cracked: it’s the most sociable and progressive way to eliminate discrimination, right?

Horrible Doll
Crack(s) kill(s) [glass doll people].

While that’s certainly on the right track, we ought to strive for more than just fear of the rest of the human race as a vehicle for discrimination elimination. In a perfect world, true equal treatment would be obtained through full dehumanization™. We may not live in a perfect world (Regina Spektor lives here, after all), but here at 365orless we’re all about becoming better than the average human being. So let’s forget about the deplorable, Regina-Spektor-allowing world that is, and boldly stride into the world that ought to be!

940667-120714-rev-spektor

We won’t let you keep us down, you miserable skankfiend!

Dehumanization™ is certainly a lofty goal. Ignoring others’ humanity is a gentle art that only a handful of revolutionaries has ever mastered. Hitler, Stalin, and, ironically, Regina Spektor top the list of such masters, but what does Regina Spektor do that isn’t supposed to be “ironic”? Am I right? Yeah I am.

“But Josh, you superfly, helpful son of a gun, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be like any of those three people you just listed!” you shout at your computer screen, forgetting the obvious (though erroneous) assumption that I cannot, in fact, hear you.

I reply with the cool serenity of a man on a righteous mission, “Don’t let a few bad apples spoil my point! And please, call me Mr. Hendricks. Josh is my father.”

Me with face cropped

With a look like this. This is what cool serenity looks like.

Yes, these specific dehumanizers™ ended up going down unfortunate paths, either succumbing to the lust for power or making really, really, unforgivably stupid music, but that doesn’t discredit dehumanization™ itself as the best means of social progress. After all, how do you think those three ended up in their positions of power? Huh? Eh? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

So now that we have unequivocally established that dehumanizion™ is the best and only way to prevent discrimination (Did we? We did, right? Yeah, I think we did…), it’s time to get to the meat of the matter, the part you’ve all been waiting for: the excellent, applicable tidbits packaged in bite-sized pieces just for you! So here we go! In order to weed out the blight of discrimination from your psyche…

1. Imagine that each person is a featureless, lifeless object.

Objectifying! That’s the name of the game here! Except the name of the game is actually Dehumanization™! In stores now!

People are all different, a lamentable fact which inevitably leads to fear, which leads to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to suffering. And that is the path to the Dark Side. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Regina.

Darth Spektor

You Sithy bitch.

It’s true, people have irreconcilable differences which cannot be ignored. But you can ignore them! And I’m not talking about any of this “who’s to judge?”, “what is normal?”, “everything is subjective”, hippie communist pianist bullshit; I’m talking real ignorance! When you’re looking at another person, you shouldn’t see their differences. You shouldn’t see their distinguishing features. You shouldn’t even see a person. When you stare at another human being, you should just see a thing. A thing which you must, for one reason or another, momentarily interact with. A thing which you cannot judge or hate, because there is nothing about it. It has nothing and barely even is a thing at all.

Grey Blob Card

This is how you should see a person, if a person was a card in Magic: The Gathering. Still better than Zombie Goliath, am I right? HAR HAR HAR!

Okay, moving on…

2. …

Well…huh. It would appear that we knocked this one out in a single, helpful tip! And it’s surely the result of brilliant conciseness and not a lack of ideas! So there you have it; if you want to be anything more than a crumbling, bumbling, baby-stomping, woman-romping, Regina-Spektor-loving racist, you need to stop seeing people as people and start convincing yourself that they are, in fact, uninteresting, useless objects! Go try it out on a lazy, stinking immigrant today!

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